So…my son is home. He’s home. This week has been very very hard. On so many levels, I can’t even really delve into. But what’s done is done and we have him back and now we can move forward.
When I first got to the Virgin Islands (I’ve been meaning to write about this since I was actually on the island) I was feeling really good about myself for the first time in a long time.
When you are daily dealing with issues having to do with your body you become extremely self aware. And when you are daily dealing with issues having to do with your body everyone else seems to be aware also.
So I was pleasantly surprised to find that eating well and working out on schedule as best I could had worked in my favor. Go figure. I felt good about myself. My clothes fit. I didn’t feel uncomfortable. Because I fluctuate so much, sometimes my clothes will be too big, sometimes too small. It’s a roller coaster of awkward. If they are too big, I look bigger than I am in my pictures. If they are too small, I look bigger than I am in the pictures…for other reasons. And I am self conscious.
I don’t know why. I could delve into my family history and say “when I was a kid my mom” or something along those lines. But really…does it matter?
My therapist would say yes.
I should get a therapist.
But I think the therapist would agree with the rest of the world that my body image was also encouraged by the environment of our society.
So on that note, I felt good that
week. first day. And maybe a half.
Then my real issue reared its ugly head.
I have the worst hair ever. It’s
probably the reason I never seldom take pictures of myself.
It’s not pretty. It’s far from pretty.
I tried it long for years but it is incredibly thin, like a toddler thin. So I cut it really short. That seems to work okay and coloring it helps give it a little body. If I don’t use product it is so straight and so flat and no…there’s nothing cute about it. It’s really bad.
The humidity just killed it. So I just started pulling the front back in a baby clippie.
But the clippie, made for babies, wouldn’t stay in because my hair is so slick and fine it would slide out.
So I would curl my hair and use product in it (Andrea asked why I even bothered), and sometimes that gave it enough sticky that it would hold the clippie later when it crashed. Like…ten minutes later.
1 Corinthians 11:15 “but that if a woman has long hair, it is her glory? For long hair is given to her as a covering.”
Yeah…there’s no glory happening here.
I’ve even tried it really short in one of those great super short cute cuts. It was not…flattering.
Let me tell you. This was a hard week. Shallow of me? Oh totally. I get it. Israel, Afghanistan, Iraq, Ukraine, all of the tragedy happening in the world and did you hear???
Tess has really bad hair!
Doesn’t mean I’m heartless. Just means I’m struggling.
Why the big issue all of a sudden? Nope. Not all of a sudden. I’ve always cared the most about that. It’s always been my dreaded issue.
My second would have to be my stomach. Right?? I cannot be the only person who dreads their stomach.
When my son was around 10 or 12 years old he caught me right after a run with my running shirt off and just a sports bra on. I am fairly small but I have hip to hip stretch marks and all down my stomach I have a very large scar from emergency surgery from my second pregnancy. There is nothing pretty about this stomach, it may be fairly flat, but yeah…it’s not going to see a bikini ever.
He looked at my stomach and said, “that’s your STOMACH? That would SUCK”.
Now, let’s give the kid a break. He was pretty surprised and I don’t normally walk around without a shirt, clearly. Also, it’s a LOT of scars and yay for him for being confident enough to be honest with me.
What am I saying. Little snot. I shut his little ass down fast.
That was a good ten years ago and I hear that comment in my head every time I see my stomach.
I don’t care about my stomach. and most days I think to myself…~nicely flat. Strong abs are super important for running. Good job. ~
But I still hear the comment. Every time.
We are our own worst enemy.
I always wanted to be the mom that promoted healthy living. Taking good care of yourself. Enjoy life through being active and don’t diet your life away. Love food just for the sake of food. Because it’s delicious. But in moderation and mixed with healthy choices. Cake for breakfast is awesome.