Bear with me. I know you’re thinking..Ugh. It’s one of THOSE posts.
What am I worth?
I don’t usually hide the fact that I can be really hard on myself.
I don’t think it’s necessarily low self esteem though for lack of a better description, I use those words.
I prefer to think of it as sheer honesty. I feel like I’m really honest with myself and the world.
I don’t ever ask my husband if I look fat in something. I’m not blind. I know if I do. And duh. I don’t wear that. Ha. But I also know that right now I could totally lose ten pounds.
But I know I’m not fat.
Though he and I often joke about my lack of a butt. 🙂 I know he says it with love just to screw with me.
I always need to work out more. I definitely need to strength train. (it would help immensely with those ten pounds…) Ugh, these arms. I am never working hard enough.
I am mildly attractive. I am definitely not beautiful.
Do we even have to talk about the mole? LOL
I got my hair cut off in a VERY short SUPER short pixie cut.
I absolutely guarantee I am the only one that likes it. Ha. because I hear a lot of crickets when people see it…or my customers (brutally honest they are) say…”you cut your hair…it’s too short”
Well I like it so…guess that’s okay.
I have stretch marks I despise with every part of me. I have ever since the first one reared it’s ugly head. I do not see them as a “badge of honor”. Sorry moms everywhere. I can’t stand them. But my kids…they are a badge of honor. I love them so much. It hurts how much I love them. I am SO proud of them.
I still have the stretch marks. And now that I’m nearly 48 years old I find I’m probably just too old to get that ~always dreamed about~ surgery that I’d get if I won the lottery.
I used to be part of a HUGE (okay not HUGE) but PRETTY BIG running group, like 30 women. And not to brag TOO much but they are pretty awesome, there were teachers, lawyers, hell, I think there was an actual rocket scientist. Out of the 30 women…I was the only one (yes the only one…) without a college degree. Pretty awesome, huh?
Did this bother me?
Oh hell yes it did.
I may have actually mentioned this before. (I have the worst memory)
I think I remember it coming up because I was talking about my teller job. I do not have a career…I have a part time job as a bank teller. I really like this job. I love the diversity (I have Korean, Thai, Chinese and Latino customers just to name a few). I also do a little bookkeeping. But hey…it’s not a career.
Every single person that finds out I am a bank teller says, “oh, I did that in college for a while”.
Awesome. That doesn’t make me feel thisbig at all (please put fingers really close together indicating a very tiny person).
I always wanted to go back to school but something held me back.
Being a parent.
Being a parent.
Being a parent.
There. I said it.
There’s the real truth to this post. ~~~
My husband is really really REALLY smart.
He joined the Air Force and they knew how smart he was. They took that…added a little computer stuff to the computer stuff he already knew and he just ran with it. He is really REALLY smart.
I have an artist brain and also I’m very logical and I am detail oriented and I have common sense. This doesn’t do me a lot of good with Algebra.
I talk about Algebra a lot but in my head…am I really up to going back to school?
Am I smart enough to go back to school?
Can I handle it if I go back to school and I get marginal grades in a family where all three of my kids tested with high honors?
My sister went to school and she graduated with honors. Really…can I stand being that person? Being that person that just scrapes through because I’m just not smart enough?
I’m afraid that if I go back to school and I don’t do well it’ll be the proof everyone already knew but didn’t say out loud…that I’m really not smart enough.
I’m afraid of being the dumb one in the family.
I am afraid I’m the dumb one at work.
I’m afraid they already think that.
I’m afraid they already look down on me for it.
I have a rule not to run away from things I’m afraid of and I’ve been running away from this for years.
But something came to my attention recently that showed me it’s important to remind each other how valuable we are and that I am valuable to me. Even if I’m honest about all of my faults. and I get to be because I am in charge of me.
Everyone chooses their own path. Some people choose to encourage themselves and some people choose to be honest. I’m honest.
I’m also honest enough to fight for my own truth.
I’m going back to school this fall. I think I said it before and life intervened (again…or was it fear?) but I’m really going to do it because I think it’s important not just to face my fears but also to remind those people that I love that they are worth it too.
They are worth everything.
They can do anything.
They can be anything.
If I want to run on the Great Wall of China I just need to train, save, and book the ticket.
If I want to run an international marathon I just need to train, save and book the ticket.
If I want to go to college I just need to start.
I need to have the courage to start. And it’s going to be scary. And I may not get an A. And I may not get a B. And I may not be the smartest person in my family. But I’ll at least do it and that’s really all that matters because I’ll have done what I really wanted to do my whole life.
I’m nearly 48 years old…I can do anything. I have the whole world. We don’t always get what we want. Sometimes, we come in second. Sometimes we come in last. Hey now…look at me. I found a way to link this up to running. Sometimes…we come in last and yet…we had the courage to get up off the couch and race and we are better people for it. Because at the end of the day we have the medal and we ran the race and our bodies and minds thank us. Better to come in last than not run at all.
There…I tackled one fear. Don’t get excited…I’ve got a list of ’em. This could keep me in blog posts for a year.