Newsflash. I am afraid.

Bear with me. I know you’re thinking..Ugh. It’s one of THOSE posts.

What am I worth? 

I don’t usually hide the fact that I can be really hard on myself.

I don’t think it’s necessarily low self esteem though for lack of a better description, I use those words.

I prefer to think of it as sheer honesty. I feel like I’m really honest with myself and the world.

I don’t ever ask my husband if I look fat in something. I’m not blind. I know if I do. And duh. I don’t wear that. Ha. But I also know that right now I could totally lose ten pounds. 

But I know I’m not fat.

Though he and I often joke about my lack of a butt. 🙂 I know he says it with love just to screw with me.

I always need to work out more. I definitely need to strength train. (it would help immensely with those ten pounds…) Ugh, these arms.  I am never working hard enough. 

I am mildly attractive. I am definitely not beautiful.

Do we even have to talk about the mole? LOL

I got my hair cut off in a VERY short SUPER short pixie cut.

I absolutely guarantee I am the only one that likes it. Ha. because I hear a lot of crickets when people see it…or my customers (brutally honest they are) say…”you cut your hair…it’s too short”

Well I like it so…guess that’s okay.

Love vs Conditions. I had to learn this one the hard way. But I did learn.

I have stretch marks I despise with every part of me. I have ever since the first one reared it’s ugly head. I do not see them as a “badge of honor”. Sorry moms everywhere. I can’t stand them. But my kids…they are a badge of honor. I love them so much. It hurts how much I love them. I am SO proud of them.

I still have the stretch marks. And now that I’m nearly 48 years old I find I’m probably just too old to get that ~always dreamed about~ surgery that I’d get if I won the lottery.

I used to be part of a HUGE (okay not HUGE) but PRETTY BIG running group, like 30 women. And not to brag TOO much but they are pretty awesome, there were teachers, lawyers, hell, I think there was an actual rocket scientist. Out of the 30 women…I was the only one (yes the only one…) without a college degree.  Pretty awesome, huh?

Did this bother me?

Oh hell yes it did.

I may have actually mentioned this before. (I have the worst memory)

I think I remember it coming up because I was talking about my teller job. I do not have a career…I have a part time job as a bank teller. I really like this job. I love the diversity (I have Korean, Thai, Chinese and Latino customers just to name a few). I also do a little bookkeeping. But hey…it’s not a career.

Every single person that finds out I am a bank teller says, “oh, I did that in college for a while”.

Awesome. That doesn’t make me feel thisbig at all (please put fingers really close together indicating a very tiny person).

I always wanted to go back to school but something held me back.

Being a parent.

Being a parent.

Being a parent.

Being afraid.

Being afraid.

Being afraid.

There. I said it.

There’s the real truth to this post. ~~~

My husband is really really REALLY smart.

He joined the Air Force and they knew how smart he was. They took that…added a little computer stuff to the computer stuff he already knew and he just ran with it. He is really REALLY smart.

I have an artist brain and also I’m very logical and I am detail oriented and I have common sense. This doesn’t do me a lot of good with Algebra.
I talk about Algebra a lot but in my head…am I really up to going back to school?

Am I smart enough to go back to school?

Can I handle it if I go back to school and I get marginal grades in a family where all three of my kids tested with high honors?

My sister went to school and she graduated with honors. Really…can I stand being that person? Being that person that just scrapes through because I’m just not smart enough?

I’m afraid that if I go back to school and I don’t do well it’ll be the proof everyone already knew but didn’t say out loud…that I’m really not smart enough.

I’m afraid of being the dumb one in the family.

I am afraid I’m the dumb one at work.

I’m afraid they already think that.

I’m afraid they already look down on me for it.

I have a rule not to run away from things I’m afraid of and I’ve been running away from this for years.

But something came to my attention recently that showed me it’s important to remind each other how valuable we are and that I am valuable to me. Even if I’m honest about all of my faults. and I get to be because I am in charge of me. 

Everyone chooses their own path. Some people choose to encourage themselves and some people choose to be honest. I’m honest.

I’m also honest enough to fight for my own truth.

I’m going back to school this fall. I think I said it before and life intervened (again…or was it fear?) but I’m really going to do it because I think it’s important not just to face my fears but also to remind those people that I love that they are worth it too. 

They are worth everything. 

They can do anything.

They can be anything. 

If I want to run on the Great Wall of China I just need to train, save, and book the ticket.

If I want to run an international marathon I just need to train, save and book the ticket.

If I want to go to college I just need to start.

I need to have the courage to start. And it’s going to be scary. And I may not get an A. And I may not get a B. And I may not be the smartest person in my family. But I’ll at least do it and that’s really all that matters because I’ll have done what I really wanted to do my whole life.

I’m nearly 48 years old…I can do anything. I have the whole world.  We don’t always get what we want. Sometimes, we come in second. Sometimes we come in last. Hey now…look at me. I found a way to link this up to running. Sometimes…we come in last and yet…we had the courage to get up off the couch and race and we are better people for it. Because at the end of the day we have the medal and we ran the race and our bodies and minds thank us.  Better to come in last than not run at all. 

 

Action overcomes fear. Courage is acting despite the fear, not without it. Act and soon the fear will be forgotten. You are more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Action is the beginning.

 

There…I tackled one fear. Don’t get excited…I’ve got a list of ’em. This could keep me in blog posts for a year.

Run on…

15 Comments

Filed under Motivation, Races, Running, Spirituality, Tess

15 Responses to Newsflash. I am afraid.

  1. Maureen

    Wonderful Tess! I’ll be cheering for you! I think we all have a mental list of insecurities that we battle.

    • Thanks Mo. I tackled a second fear. I said it out loud. Last time I went to school I did it secretly… In case I failed.

  2. Diane

    Didn’t go to college here, either. Took some classes. Wanted to be the first in my immediate family to get one, but had no burning goal to do anything specific. Grew up in a family where college was never discussed or thought of as options for us.

    Had a friend that was a single mother, she took two classes every semester. Took her, I believe 10 years to get her Associate and Bachelor degrees. Then, she promptly got an MBA.

    Good luck, Tess. Don’t beat yourself up, our bodies aren’t meant to be perfect. We are creeping up on 50.

    • tess conley

      Yeah, I do fear that I guess. That it’ll take me until the end of my life to get any kind of a degree. But I’ll figure it out as I go.

      As for my body, I never expect perfection. But I also know what I’m capable of. I’m definitely not afraid of 50. I anticipate it and think it should be pretty great. I look forward to what I can produce. Physically I never doubt myself, even with my Celiac. It’s the other stuff I doubt. I don’t beat myself about my body. I’m honest. I appreciate my own honesty with myself. If I can’t be honest with me, who else can I be honest with?

  3. Jan Coffee

    I went back when I was 35. I got a degree but I took some shortcuts to do it. I had help. Both Kirk and Jen helped me with math and stats. I took them correspondence just to get through. But the other stuff was just not that difficult. I started with two classes cause I was afraid. What I found out was that I was just afraid. I had what it took to do it and so do you, you are really smart.

    • tess conley

      Yes, I know. I remember that and it is a good thing that keeps me going. I just worry I guess. I think I got that from you, too. 🙂

  4. Kristen

    Well, you know I think you’re pretty awesome just the way you are and if going back to school will give you some form of personal satisfaction, then go for it! But, just because a person has a degree doesn’t make them smart! I have friends with various advanced degrees that don’t have the common sense or street smarts to find their way out of a paper bag! What’s even worse is someone who has a degree and is working at a job they hate and turns it in for a new career that doesn’t even require any college! Hmmm, who could that be?? 😉 You gotta do what makes you happy and to me, doing something you love, raising awesome kids and having an awesome life is the smartest thing ever!

    • tess conley

      You know, I agree with that completely. I know some people with some serious degrees and no…not super bright. But I definitely think people look at you like you are a little less than if you don’t have a degree. I do just want it and if I start back to school and find that I am not getting what I thought I would then…that’s that. Right?

      I think you’re pretty awesome, too!! We should start a club.

  5. Katrina

    Rock on! I think you are pretty awesome 🙂

  6. We all have one of those days and one of those posts… I too get too hard on myself and not just sometimes, but most of the time! I recently finished a half marathon (my first one ever) and it’s one of the best feelings!! I’ve doubted myself too much but after that race, I know I can do more! Running races at 48 y/o is something that I would want to do. Keep up the good runs and good luck on studies this fall! 🙂

    • tess conley

      Congratulations Princess! What an amazing accomplishment. Doesn’t it feel GREAT? I do love that feeling. That’s the feeling. I am proud of what I do, but I know I can do more. Better. So I’m not really hard on myself, I just expect a little more. I get to. I’m in charge of me. Good for you for getting the best out of you!

      And thank you!!

  7. *hugs* Change and taking big steps like this is scary! But we are so, so rooting for you 🙂 (and I agree with some of the other comments. College degree does not equal a “smart” person. Nor does it necessarily equal a good or fulfilling job. I’m really happy for you that you have a job you like, college degree or not!)

    • tess conley

      Thank you Dr. Erin!! I just feel the pull to at least give it a try. I have a lot of common sense but definitely wonder about the rest. Smart family I guess. It’s intimidating. Plus all those smart friends. Yikes.

      • I have to confess that I often feel intimidated by my smart friends and that I’m not smart enough. So I’d like to believe it’s a totally normal thing, especially for women, regardless of your education level..