It started on Thanksgiving.
It was strange because last year it was a great holiday and I was pretty thrilled we didn’t even notice any differences. My family had all commented on how they couldn’t even taste the difference.
This year I noticed every difference. Every change. Everything seemed more difficult and everything tasted … off.
It started with walking through the grocery store past all the pies and desserts and cakes and cookies and past the breads and rolls.
At this stage of Celiac I’m well set into my lifestyle. To say I’ve adjusted is an understatement. I don’t even look at regular bread anymore and I’m seldom swayed by cakes and cookies.
So for this holiday assortment of delicacies to hit me so hard…I was unprepared.
Thanksgiving came and went and the feeling didn’t pass.
Every time I go to the grocery store it hits me.
The 9,973,482 items I can’t have. And the 375 products I can.
Gluten Dude rants to those people that complain about those delicious things they can’t have. Talking about rather feeling healthy and never needing to have those things again because he feels so awful and the feeling he gets when he eats them is the biggest deterrent for him. And why would you crave something that is inherently bad for you anyway? Those greasy fast food fries…the biscuits and doughnuts, cakes and pies. CAKES AND PIES>
I love cake and pie.
Sorry. I got distracted.
Why did it hit me now? The obvious point would be because it’s everywhere. Not just at every freaking corner of the grocery store…and on Facebook where everyone is saving their favorite recipe so they don’t forget it, and on Pinterest (seriously People, pin a workout and help a girl out), and on every blog I read…even the running blogs. Even the RUNNING BLOGS. Every morning The Today Show gives us recipes of the most delicious holiday recipes.
We’re attending a weekend Christmas party soon and the emails have been flying with updates. Yesterday this sentence came through… “The Beer/Pizza Social starts at 5pm and goes until 0900. Bring the family! Pizza will be served 5:30pm-7:30pm. It’s a crowded room, but it works. Sorry to all the “Can’t do Gluten” folks, you might want to pick up a bite to eat either before or after the event.”
I don’t know why..but for some reason this sentence just…rubs me the wrong way. On the surface it seems so innocuous. I mean..I CAN’T do gluten. So that’s legit. Right? But it just served to remind me… I don’t get to eat there they won’t even make a half hearted effort.
I mean, I wouldn’t have anyway. ANYONE with Celiac knows enough to take care of themselves. Whatever they would have served would not have been Celiac friendly so I went into this knowing I have to provide my own food for that weekend. It’s just weird hearing it put that way…and on top of the last few weeks of food joy the entire world is feeding me (pun intended) it affected me more than I expected it to.
I’ve spent the last two weeks eating terrible. I haven’t eaten gluten, don’t worry about that. I haven’t purposely eaten gluten since the day I was diagnosed. But there are plenty of bad choices sans gluten that I can make and I have made them. I just feel awful and I know it’s just because I’m feeling sad and all out of control and whack. That’s a technical term.
I do not enjoy this feeling.
I know there are great GREAT gluten free recipes out there and I have a lot of them.
It’s so not the point.
I think I’m in mourning. I think I dealt with it so well at the beginning and now I’m finally processing that this is the rest of my life and it’s hard and it sucks and I’m sorry but I hate it. It’s hard. And the pettiness of whining about it is so embarrassing because I know how blessed I really really am to have so much. A diagnosis. Good health care. The opportunity to feel better at all. Choices. Access to the internet and a great IT guy who fixes my computer every time it even blips at me. Any time I say, “can you make my screen do this?”, and then when he does I say, “hmm…I didn’t want it to do THAT” because I’m difficult. Good heavens. Don’t stop loving me, Babe.
I’m sure part of the issue, not to place blame, are my workouts. I was on a roll and feeling pretty good. I’d been working out with a good regular schedule for weeks and then Thanksgiving hit. Something about that week just threw me off. I think how busy we are during the holidays kicks us all off our schedules. I’m the first to go. And I am just now getting back on schedule. Just in time for Christmas!
I’m sure with my workouts kicking in gear again, I’ll feel better and that will help my eating feel better and I’m hoping I’ll move past this.
If you were reading this thinking it was a motivational “and I now know that I’m a better person through it all and I can persevere…and so on”…nope.
I’m definitely bummin’.
My strategy is just to aim for my go to favorites and workouts. Feeling healthy and strong is the best motivation.
It may be over tomorrow.
It may last through the holidays.
Anyone that says they don’t go through this sort of thing is probably not entirely truthful. It’s a normal part of processing a huge life change. I’m going to wait it out. It’ll pass and my positive outlook ~which is still mostly positive just a little tainted~ will be back full force quick as a wink I’m sure.
Any tips for bringing it back full force super quick??
I’m thinking…reading those positive stories that remind me how lucky I am.
Continuing my workouts…
Paying it forward…doing good works is always good for the soul and that just carries onto other parts of your life.
Tomorrow…I really WILL talk about that long run. I’m so sorry I got distracted by my glutenness. Gluttony. Glutenomy. Whatever.
yesterday I ran 4.5 miles and did my much MUCH needed strength training. I actually feel a ton better today but still managed a bit of stupid eating. That’s okay. Baby steps!